Why is putting yourself out there so... embarassing?

       What feels like just a few weeks ago, I was at a Christmas party that one of my good friends was hosting, she would be the only person I knew there. No matter how nice the crowd, I was suddenly very aware of every inch of  myself the second my friend walked away to attend to her host-ly duties. A girl around my age sits down next to me and we start chatting, (I’ve got my comfort beer so this notion isn’t entirely terrifying to me). We get to the obligatory, “What do you do?” For most people in NYC, you have a million side hustles, so the real struggle in answering can be choosing just one. This, to me, usually feels like the split second of a hook up where neither of you have clothes on… and you’re just kinda standing there, exposed. Usually I settle for the thing I’m doing as a steady job and sneak in the thing I actually want to be doing. (The latter usually being the one who pays a lot less) So when she asks me what I do, I tell her about my retail job at the time selling art supplies (a nightmare within itself) and I cough up a creative endeavor I do as well, photography, one of my afore mentioned side hustles. Once the two beers I’ve had tell me I’m talking too much, I turn to ask “And what about you?” Her shoulders relax and her smile widens, “I’m an actress”. Just like that. Her biggest and probably most personal aspiration out there for the world to see. Or in this case, this drunken stranger, me, to pick apart. With an instant relief I shrieked, “me too!” And we bond over our mutual love for the craft. I praised her for just saying it and was so confused as to why I couldn't do the same for myself. She was the first person who’d said something like that without a bashful smile or shoulder shrug. We all know the look, maybe sometimes you’re SO bashful that your friend has to step in with a nudge and say that thing for you.  We talk for a minute about that, about feeling ashamed about the thing you love most, how backwards that is. Since then, I’ve been saying it out loud, but it makes me wonder. 

 

Why is being yourself so… embarrassing? 

 

       Outside of general anxiety in social situations, there seems to be an extra shroud of secretiveness when it comes to discussing our true passions. So, before we even get to the why, we need to address the fact that this is, in fact, a problem. Like, are we all playing our cards close to the chest? Move in silence they say.. But how does that work in real life? Can you think of someone, anyone, who was discovered when an agent busted down their bedroom door and said “Come with me kid! You’re going to Hollywood!”. A closed mouth never gets fed. Can we afford to be bashful? 

 

       Speaking personally, I knew I wanted to be an actress for  as long as I can remember. My Dad knew this and would try to connect me with these people he met who were involved in the arts. Even if it was just to hear what it was like being a working actress. I refused, was even offended at the notion that I couldn’t figure the path to Hollywood on my own. And that someone would know my dirty little secret on top of that.

 

       So, why? Maybe it feels a little less special when it leaves the chamber of our hearts. Like, wdym you are also pursuing this hundred year old artform!? :( :/ Does that take away my shine? This leads to some dark thoughts, for some reason the thought that everyone is special makes you feel less than. Or maybe if you tell every one and you're seen trying and "failing", maybe you think you won't be able to shake the shame of that. Recently people have expressed the feeling that even posting on Instagram leaves them feeling exposed. Especially when numbers don’t immediately reflect effort. But consistency gets us something, an earned knowledge, connections, opportunities and confidence. How can we get there, anywhere? If we can’t even mouth those few simple words on the first go. “I’m a ____”. 

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What happens when you shed this mindset? 

 

       Will you answer to the voice in your head, the one that you know leads to nowhere? Sure that’s the easier path. But it’s not yours. The difference between you, and most of the people you admire, is simply having the nerve. Have the damn nerve!

Grab hands with those people (metaphorically) and build a damn community! Make connections and friends and all the above. Only when you shed that cocoon of /undeserved?/ shame is when you can truly come into your own as a three dimensional artist, not just the one in your head. And if you need to be delusional, then bitch, be delusional. Life is yours. Be loud about it.